Feeling like a child again

A visit to my mother's is always an exercise in futility. In her eyes I have never grown up and she still treats me like I'm two years old.

I've worked myself up to feeling that I can conquer the outside world. I've got a job, I've got a husband and I am a mother of a twenty-year-old. So why am I sitting here nervous about going home to my mother's tomorrow. I get edgy, lose my temper over the smallest things and I thank God that I have such a patient husband or he would have been gone a long time ago.

I was always jealous of my friends or any women for that matter that could go shopping with their mother, go to events with their mother, for being able to talk to their mothers about everything. I had a mother-in-law that was more of a mother to me. She passed away last year, and I felt like I lost my own mother. My own mother is still alive, and my sisters and I are sure that she's too stubborn to die.

A lot of people might think that's mean, but we've lived through a lot of stuff with her. To this day I am not as confident as I should be, I still cower when someone tells me that I've done something wrong, or still yearn for someone to tell me that I look okay, my hair is nice or my clothes look good on me.

So tomorrow, out of a feeling of guilt, I am traveling an hour and a half to see my mother, who will not find one good thing to say to me, except that I have raised my son good, but she credits my husband for that. But I take what I can get.