Some Good News

The good news is that my sister found out her lymph nodes were clear. When we went out on our regular Wednesday night out, she seemed happier and more free. Other than the fact that we talked about how our mother has hurt us over the years, we had a great time. I thank God that my sisters and I have reconnected because I've found out that I wasn't the only one that was emotionally abused by our mother. I always thought my sisters had it easier, mom liked them better, etc.  They were always going home and always called her. I could not bring myself to put myself through that. It was always an hour of hearing about how kids were better than you were and that you were a failure in every way.

I still struggle in my life. I constantly let people walk all over me at work, which comes from not having any self-confidence and even though are job postings out there that I could probably manage to do I find me talking myself out of applying because  I don't think I'm good enough. Really? 48 years and I'm still telling myself I'm not good enough.

I went through Chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy and I only missed two months of work after my surgery. I really didn't think I was that strong. I did it because it kept my mind off dying and leaving my teenage son without a mother. There again my mother always said that Cancer was a death sentence. Why did i believe her? She has been known to lie and right now I've found out much she does. I still consider myself weak and down-trodden. I can't seem to do anything right, and I am really tired.

I want to apply for another job. But I'm tired of starting over. I thought I had finally found a job I could finish at. The people are nice, the job was okay, but now the people are turning grumpy and bitter and the job is to stressful. But I find after 30 years at the University as a Clerical person, they are asking for more and more education and i feel way to under qualified. I don't like school or classes. So what am I to do?

Well, I'm going off to the bath. I'll think about my job and do some reflection. Life is to short to be stepped on all the time, isn't it?