Long time, no write!

Been kind of off the grid for a couple years. Oh, let's just face it. I totally forgot I had this blog. I had other things on my mind. Like my stressful job. What a joke that is? But after researching, and talking it over with my husband I have decided to retire, my last day being October 31, 2013. I am so happy about that. It is none to soon either, because the University is experiencing haavy cutbacks and I know I would have been one of them. My boss never liked me and this would have been a chance for him to get rid of me. Though he was nice enough to ask me if I was retiring so that he didn' t waste the severance pay they would have had to pay me.

Other than that, it's been an okay couple years. My little boy has convocated and is moving out at the end of July. I know I'm going to miss him, but it will be nice to have a house to ourselves. We can do our wash when we want. Exercise when we want. Even make a smoothie in the morning. He works late and sleeps in so making a smoothie in our little magic bullet is a little noisy. Not that it matters to him when he wants one. Oh where has the time gone. Wasn't he just a baby, when he needed me?

Well, that's it for today. I will post more. I'm sure my life isn't totally boring.

A New Year

It is now a new year. Is it better than last year! It is in some ways. Some ways it isn't, some now. I'm still very much estranged from my mother. She hasn't called me since my birthday when she told me I was going to hell.

So I had the usual Christmas. It's such a bad time of year for me. I always have high expectations, and this year was no exception. I really tried this year to enjoy the music and all the festivities. I did notice that the radio stations didn't play as many Christmas songs as they usually do. Hmmm!  But it always seems hard when people ask what you are doing for Christmas and we have no tradition, our family is dwindling from estrangement and our dysfunctional families. After the death of my husband's mother it kind of broke the family apart. Nobody has kept in touch. Odd.

I always vow to make the next year better, but I realized that nothing much has changed. Though a lot has changed. I've become a little less fearful of the future. I've learned to take one day at a time, though it takes a lot of effort and a lot of prayer. I still have my fear of doctors, but not as much.

So Happy 2011 and all the best.

Josie

Waaah!

So here I sit, my nose is running and I'm feeling like crap. I'm not really sure if I have a cold or not. It feels like more like major sinus problems. I'll probably feel better just in time to go to work tomorrow.

So the fall out has happened with my mother. I told her or should I say my husband told her that we were no longer attending the Catholic church. Well, she was fine that night, but ended up calling me on my birthday the next weekend telling me I am going to hell. Isn't that amazing! How could you tell your own child that she is going to hell. I wish I would have thought faster and said that was fine because I would be joining all her grandchildren that she's told are going to hell because they didn't marry a catholic boy or girl. I wish that she would just love me for who I am.

I have moved on from that day. I should be used to that by now. My mother has not been my greatest supporter. She's always praised my cousins or other kids before she has me. I have a group I go to once a week and I've found some of my power that I've lost years ago. Some of the self-esteem that my mother has taken. Funny, that it is a group from the new church I am attending. One that actually cares about other people instead of preaching that your going to hell every time you break one of their rules.

Well, it is almost Christmas. My mother hasn't talked to me for almost a month and I'm not holding my breath. She holds grudges for months. Do I feel guilty? Not a bit.

What a day!

I thought I had a real good day! You see I was doing Powerpoint at a Women's Encounter. A day where you listen to other women's stories and you throughout the day you find out that you are not alone, that there are other women out there with the same problems as you. Well it was a very emotional day. I cried, I laughed, I served the people of this day. I felt really good about it, though in some places I did feel alone in a room full of people.

You see, this day is put on by the church I just joined a year and a half. A church I threw myself into within just a few months. I know enough people to feel comfortable in places, but not enough people to feel safe within a room. Today was one of those days. I knew a few people.

But I still felt energized when I went home and tried to talk to my husband when I got home, but ooops, the football game was on. How could I interrupt that very important game. So I went upstairs and changed and after supper listened to music. Music has always been my savior.

I also switched from a laptop to an iPad, which is daunting. I love getting new stuff, but I had the change that you have to go through to get it all set up. Me not being technology savvy. Oh dear. Maybe I should just have kept my laptop, but I do love my iPad.

Oh well, another Saturday over. Will I get through this change. Sure.

Maybe this week I will have something happy to report, because this week my dreaded boss is gone on a trip. I may be able to get something done.

Some Good News

The good news is that my sister found out her lymph nodes were clear. When we went out on our regular Wednesday night out, she seemed happier and more free. Other than the fact that we talked about how our mother has hurt us over the years, we had a great time. I thank God that my sisters and I have reconnected because I've found out that I wasn't the only one that was emotionally abused by our mother. I always thought my sisters had it easier, mom liked them better, etc.  They were always going home and always called her. I could not bring myself to put myself through that. It was always an hour of hearing about how kids were better than you were and that you were a failure in every way.

I still struggle in my life. I constantly let people walk all over me at work, which comes from not having any self-confidence and even though are job postings out there that I could probably manage to do I find me talking myself out of applying because  I don't think I'm good enough. Really? 48 years and I'm still telling myself I'm not good enough.

I went through Chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy and I only missed two months of work after my surgery. I really didn't think I was that strong. I did it because it kept my mind off dying and leaving my teenage son without a mother. There again my mother always said that Cancer was a death sentence. Why did i believe her? She has been known to lie and right now I've found out much she does. I still consider myself weak and down-trodden. I can't seem to do anything right, and I am really tired.

I want to apply for another job. But I'm tired of starting over. I thought I had finally found a job I could finish at. The people are nice, the job was okay, but now the people are turning grumpy and bitter and the job is to stressful. But I find after 30 years at the University as a Clerical person, they are asking for more and more education and i feel way to under qualified. I don't like school or classes. So what am I to do?

Well, I'm going off to the bath. I'll think about my job and do some reflection. Life is to short to be stepped on all the time, isn't it?

Was it to much to ask?

So another birthday has come and gone. Was it to much to ask that nothing would go wrong? That I would not be sitting here depressed and sad on this my 48th birthday?

It all started last Sunday. In an earlier blog I voiced my thoughts on going home to see my mother on Thanksgiving. Well, that well (or so I thought). I told her how I was diagnosed with Cancer five years ago. How I survived and considered myself stronger for going through it. How I'm helping my sister, who has also been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Well, mom hugged me and said she wished I would have told her so she could have gone through it with me. I had my doubts that she would have been supportive back then. You see, my mother is very self-centered and nothing you've gone through is worse than what she's gone through.

Did i tell her for selfish reasons, because I knew that even though she's gone through a few surgeries, she's never had cancer, and she's never had to sit in a cancer clinic getting chemotherapy, sitting with many other cancer patients going through the same thing, some worse than you. She's never had to go through five weeks of radiation. And she's never gone through five years of taking tomaxifin, a drug that pushes you right into menopause, where you suffer through the worst hot flashes, the thinning of your blood,  the stares of people when sweat is gushing down your face.  At 48 I still shake when I walk into a doctor's office scared of what they are going to say.

But I thought it went well. At least that part did. My husband and I also ended up telling her that we changed churches from a Catholic Churc to an Alliance Church. A church which has given us a new lease on life and has given us many new friends. I knew that part was going to be the worse of the two. But I sure didn't know how much.

I got the dreaded phone call today from my mother. First it was all happy and wishing me a happy birthday. Then she railed into me about the church, and what every child wants to hear from their mother that she is going to hell. Really! I guess I'll join the rest of my family down there when I go because she also believes that some of my nieces and nephews that didn't get married in the Catholic church will be headed in that direction. It got to the point where I actually hung up on her.

Now, I know some people would say how can you hang up on your mother. She is very toxic and she spent five minutes before giving me my verdict talking about my 2nd cousin, who is a hockey player in Ontario and how great he is and how he is destined to be in the NHL. Not once have I heard one good thing said about me or to me. I wish she would just talk about me just once. Just once.

Well, Happy Birthday to me!!! Next year is bound to better. I always hope it is. Maybe one year it will come true.

Now to get through this week. Work. Another obstacle I have to get through.

I need a new job!

I knew I should have stayed home yesterday! I had a headache and was not looking forward to a meeting I had. She wanted a job done that day, she was disappointed that I had misplaced a chart I had made months ago. I went back to my office feeling 2 inches tall.

Then my main employer comes in and asks me to have some notes done that day. I feel my arms stretching in two different directions. But I still had hope... "The job postings come out today!" I said to myself. Every ten minutes I went to look if they were up. Nope, still last weeks. Then there they were and the groan I made could probably have been heard all over the fourth floor. Nothing. I feel so under educated. Things have changed. If you don't have more than a business college, you are nothing. What about experience. What about 30 years of experience.

I missed two coffee breaks yesterday. That was major since it was treat day and someone's 50th birthday.  But I got the notes done and approved. And my boss even thanked me. That should have been good for something right?

There is always next weeks posting. But I'm afraid I passed up two jobs that I could have got and now there is nothing more out there. Something has got to come. I am feeling the stress. I actually fell asleep in the bathtub last night. Wow!